Divorce Road Signs

At Seasons of Divorce
we help manage the Workflow of Divorce with Dtour

Divorce Road Signs

1.    We have a LEGAL system, not a JUSTICE system.

No one knows what will happen in court except that no one wins.

2.    Do not hire the first lawyer you meet.

Interview more than one lawyer to compare philosophies.

3.    Divorce is more than a full-time job; it is ALL consuming.

Do not underestimate the amount of work required; don’t be fooled into thinking that your lawyer will take care of everything. Pace yourself.

4.    Do not be a passive participant in your own divorce.

This is your family, your business contract. Educate yourself, take the time to ask questions, understand your finances, develop a budget, so that you can make informed decisions that you can live with.

5.    Be very selective about the voices in your ear.

Emotional support is one thing, but stay focused on a constructive process, not a destructive one because of what your friends and family think about your soon-to-be Ex or tell you that you should do.

6.    Do not expect your spouse to make-up or “pay” for emotional pain.

Punitive damages for emotional stress do not exist in family law; emotions are expensive. Focus on a settlement and an exit rather than spending resources on illusory pay-back or punishment.

7.   You know your spouse better than anyone; trust your intuition.

No one knows your spouse better than you do; don’t allow the professionals to dismiss any legitimate concerns you may have. Be the architect of a process that can be successful for both you and your spouse.

7.    Lawyers are capable of escalating adversity with the simple stroke of their pen.

Some lawyers use a writing style in communication with opposing counsel that is rude and condescending to the other spouse. This is not a requirement of the process. Escalated conflict means greater cost and rarely does it lead to a more generous settlement. Not all lawyers are created equal, so while there are family law attorneys who are complicit in needlessly escalating adversity and churning fees, there are many reasonable, ethical, strategic, and solution-oriented attorneys. It is worth taking the time to find them. Do your research.

9.   Temporary Insanity

The overload of emotional triggers is so profound that there isn’t one spouse who doesn’t utter, at one point or another, “I don’t recognize my spouse, this isn’t the person I married” (and if they are really honest with themselves, “I don’t recognize myself”) Try to step back and allow some space for temporary insanity. It is just temporary.

10. Respond, do not react, to inflammatory email, voice mail or calls.

Allow space for reaction. Don’t be fooled into engaging with the bully. The process tests everyone but will ultimately reach resolution.

11. If you are married to “crazy,” all bets are off.

We do not have a system that is capable of protecting spouses from personality disorders that affect another spouse’s ability to compromise or participate in a rational process. Be aware, do your research and consider alternate expectations of an outcome that at least provide an out and an end.

We hope this will help you to navigate the divorce process and to avoid the common pitfalls of divorce.

 

The materials available at this web site are for informational purposes only and not for the purpose of providing legal advice. You should contact your attorney to obtain advice with respect to any particular issue or problem. Use of, and access to, this Web site or any of the e-mail links contained within the site do not create an attorney-client relationship between Dtour, Inc., dtour.life or any affiliate of Dtour, Inc. and the user or browser.  Any opinions expressed at or through this site are the opinions of the individual author and may not reflect the opinions of Dtour, Inc. or dtour.life.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Divorce? Things to Do…

 To Do If Divorce Is Your Only Option 

If you’re convinced that your marriage is irretrievably broken and you’re headed for divorce, here are some steps to take. 

Talk to an attorney.  

Know your legal rights and responsibilities. Know the consequences if you decide to take the children and live at your parents’ house until the divorce is final. From a legal point of view, moving to your parents’ home, even if it is temporary might be a huge mistake. 

Get copies of documents.  

Go through household files and make copies of everything you can find: tax returns, bank statements, check registers, investment statements, retirement account statements, employee benefits handbooks, life insurance policies, mortgage documents, financial statements, credit card statements, wills, Social Security statements, automobile titles, etc. In the case that your spouse is self-employed, you should gather as much information as possible about the finances of the business. Create copies of any financial data stored on your home computer. Get Organized 

Make an Inventory of household and family possessions. 

List the major items: furniture, artwork, jewelry, appliances, automobiles, etc. Don’t forget to check the storage areas of your home and include valuables in your safe deposit box. 

Being aware of all the marital assets is important when it comes time to divide the property. 

Know the household budget and expenses. 

If possible, go through your check register for the past year and write down each utility, mortgage, and other household expenses for each month. Keep track of the cash you spend on a daily basis so that you’ll be able to verify your monthly cash expenditures also. Budget Worksheet 

Determine how to manage debt.  

Determine debt, you may want to pay it down before divorce. The division of marital debt among divorcing spouses is one of the most difficult items to negotiate. Determine whether any of the debt was incurred by one spouse or the other prior to the date of marriage. This is “non-marital debt” and the spouse that incurred it is responsible. 

Find out exactly what your spouse earns. 

If your spouse earns a salary, get a pay stub; if your spouse is self-employed, owns a business, or receives any portion of income in cash, do your best to keep track of the money flowing in for several months. It might be easiest to look at tax returns.  

If you think it’s possible your spouse is trying to conceal money from employment, you may have to do some more research.

Know your earning potential.  

You may have been out of the workforce for a while raising children or have been a housewife. You may need to decide what your earning potential might be and consider furthering your education prior to divorce.  

Know your own credit history.  

If you do not have credit cards in your own name, apply for them now, use them, and establish your own credit history. If you have poor credit try to pay creditors now and improve your own credit rating prior to divorce. 

Build a “nest egg”.  

You should always have money of your own. If your spouse moves out and stops paying bills, you will need to pay them until temporary support orders can be entered. Should you decide to file, you’ll need money for a retainer.  

Make your kids your priority.  

Keep your children’s routines as normal as possible during this process. If you and your spouse cannot be together with the children without arguing, schedule separate times for each of you to be with the children. Be involved in your children’s school, sports, and social activities. Do not talk bad about your spouse to your children they need to know it is ok for them to love you both. Make their feelings your first concern. 

GET INFORMED 

It’s important to be aware of all the potential issues you’ll face, as well as understand how the divorce process works.


								
Seasons of Divorce Coaching Service, Shari Frasure
CDC Certified Divorce Coach National Association of Divorce Professionals
859-644-9024  coach@seasonsofdivorce.com
www.seasonsofdivorce.com

 

 

How do the children feel when their home is on the market?

Have you ever thought about how the children feel when their divorcing parents are selling their home?

 

Many times the children aren’t given a thought.

How will they feel when they arrive home from school and see a

“FOR SALE” sign in their front yard?

 

Is there something you can do to make it easier? Could you remove the sign during the hours the child would be home? Talk to the seller about limiting having the house shown when they are present? You could ask the parent that is staying in the home which door the child enters when they return home and put the lock box on another door?

One of the hardest things for them could be having their room organized and someone moving their things…some children are very dependent on things that make them feel safe and secure and can cause them more anxiety than they are already experiencing.

Even when their isn’t a divorce involved sometimes children can be spared from fears that they will be moving.
#divorceandchildren

When will I be loved? Overwhelmed by Divorce?

Divorce is overwhelming.   Emotions will be out of control, it will feel like you will never be okay again. 

You may think to yourself “will I ever find someone that I can love?” Other thoughts may be that you are worthless and unwanted. ” What in the world am I going to do or who do I need to turn to?” you may ask.  There will be hours on the phone with your girlfriend or someone else in your family or a close friend.  It is just a crazy time and irrational thoughts will abound, and panic will set in.  You may think that you just want to run away or I don’t want to live.  All of these thoughts and reactions are NORMAL and to be expected.  If you don’t experience most of these you are a very strong person but having these thoughts don’t mean you aren’t strong it just means you are normal.

Your family will tell you go get the toughest divorce lawyer you can or just take them to the cleaners, get what is coming to you so in the end you feel like you got the justice you deserve.  What is justice?  Who decides what is fair?  Do you want to be in control of that decision?  

Possibly the best step for you now is to find someone who is unbiased and not interested in the end result just because they gained monetarily.  As a divorce coach, my primary interest is helping you make decisions for you personally and your family’s financial future.  I want you to make a decision based on facts.  To be empowered because you know your financial situation and have a clear path and plan to avoid “throwing in the towel”.

If you feel you could benefit from having a “thinking partner” by your side throughout and beyond the divorce process contact me for a free discovery session.

Message me at 859-644-9024 or

https://www.facebook.com/seasonsofdivorce

 

 

There is a New Coach in Town

Shari Frasure has just been certified by Sandra Lee, founder of Emerge Victorious and professional Training for
Divorce Coaching. Sandra Lee is a renowned Divorce Coach, author and speaker who shares her experience with others to prepare them to come along side divorcing individuals, couples and families to make way for a kinder and a better way to live separate lives in the future.

Divorce Coaching helps navigate your divorce process, thus reducing stress, anxiety and feelings of being alone in this foreign territory of divorce.

What is a Divorce Coach?

Do you have a divorce plan?

What a Divorce Coach Can Do for You:

Personal issues – A Divorce Coach can help you…

  • honor your feelings of grief and anger over the many losses that result from your divorce.
  • find appropriate sources of emotional support to replace ones you have lost.
  • learn how to reduce your anxiety and stress as you make decisions about your future.
  • manage the strong emotions that are a natural part of this process.
  • understand the other partner’s outlook on an issue even if you don’t agree with it.
  • identify what each of you does that triggers the other to react negatively.

    Legal process issues – A Divorce Coach can help you…

  • interview and hire an attorney who is best suited for your case and your specific needs.
  • explain and discuss the many process options (collaborative law, mediation, private mediation, litigation) available from a perspective that doesn’t seem as intimidating as when you hear them from an attorney.
  • clarify and articulate to your spouse and attorney the personal goals and value you want reflected in the divorce settlement.
  • stay accountable to the goals you have set for your future and that of your children.
  • stay focused on working toward win-win solutions, both short and long term.

    Co-parent issues – A coach can help you with…

  • learn how to communicate with your ex-spouse and now co-parent in the best interests of your children.
  • create a foundation for co-parenting that enables you to act in the best interests of your children
  • .negotiate terms of your co-parenting plan both during the divorce and in later years as needs change.

Divorce is more than a legal process. Divorce is a major life transition with many complexities. Couples don’t know – what they don’t know – and they are called to make major decisions that affect themselves and their children now and into their future. However, people are not usually functioning at their best wise-minded selves during divorce. Very strong divorce emotions (anger, hurt, disappointment, regret…) influence their decision making abilities. The fears such as – will I have enough money to live, will my kids be ok, how do I reconcile a divorce with my faith beliefs, will I ever find anyone to love me and the fears keep on coming. If that isn’t enough, well-intended family and friends begin offering advice about what you should or shouldn’t do – who you should or shouldn’t hire. These people are more than qualified to love and support you but not qualified to help you navigate your divorce process.
A Divorce Coach helps a client do just that – navigate your divorce process, thus reducing stress, anxiety and feelings of aloneness in this foreign territory of divorce.

 

Is Healing your goal? How do you get there?

Bible Study Proverbs 31 Ministry “Univited”

From the book Univited by Lysa Terkeurst

They say time heals-and I think this can be true-but only if that’s truly the goal here: healing. Time grows the seeds that are planted, watered, and fertilized. Plant beauty, grow beauty. Plant thorns, grow thorns. Time will allow for either…Bitterness, resentment, and anger have no place in a heart as beautiful as yours.
(TerKeurst, page 68)

You have been betrayed, hurt, abandoned….yes, no question some or all of these things are true BUT, what if you can write a different sentence in your story of divorce?

We can when we:

  • Speak with honor in the midst of being dishonored
  • Speak with peace in the midst of being threatened
  • Speak of good things in the midst of a bad situation
  • Be obedient to, trust and believe God and let Him take control of our contrary feelings

 

People who care more about being right than ending right prove just how wrong they were all along. (TerKeurst, page 68)

I have read this book and it spoke to me with every page and chapter, now I am leading a weekly bible study using the DVD and study guide with this book….during the study I am discovering that every time I felt rejected before and during my divorce I could have rewritten the timeline if I had applied these things to my emotions.

This is one of the reasons I have been lead to develop a pathway for others in all seasons of divorce to come along side and be your “thinking partner” helping to answer questions you didn’t know to ask.

A Divorce Coach is  your “thinking” partner –helping you navigate the unknowns of divorce while creating a road map to resolution.

Podcasts

Great resource click here to listen to Divorce Coach Sandra Lee